Tim Høiland
18Jan/120

The Meaning of Marriage

On October 31, marriage was in the news: Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphreys were getting divorced. It was a sad spectacle, and though celebrity marriages aren’t exactly known for their longevity, at 72 days this one’s brevity got people talking. "I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision,” Kardashian said in a statement. “I had hoped this marriage was forever, but sometimes things don't work out as planned. We remain friends and wish each other the best."

Less than a week later, surrounded by our families and many of our closest friends at a little garden oasis in North Phoenix, Katie and I made audacious promises to each other: “to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.”

Today is day 73, and by God’s grace, we’re just getting started.

In that week between October 31 and November 6, as it happens, Timothy and Kathy Keller published their book The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God (Dutton). My good friend and groomsman Barnabas gave us the book as a gift.

The book is remarkable in all the ways that books on relationships and marriage so often fall flat. Tim and Kathy have no patience for clichés, but instead share their wisdom rooted in three significant things: 37 years of marriage; more than 20 years of ministry in a city (NYC) and a church (Redeemer) largely made up of single people; and last but not least, the Bible’s teachings on the meaning of marriage, and what it has to do with all of us. In the introduction, they write:

It is hard to get a good perspective on marriage. We all see it through the inevitably distorted lenses of our own experience. If you came from an unusually stable home, where your parents had a great marriage, that may have “made it look easy” to you, and so when you get to your own marriage you may be shocked by how much it takes to forge a lasting relationship. On the other hand, if you have experienced a bad marriage of a divorce, either as a child or an adult, your view of marriage may be overly wary and pessimistic. You may be too expectant of relationship problems and, when they appear, be too ready to say, “Yup, here it goes,” and to give up. In other words, any kind of background experience of marriage may make you ill equipped for it yourself.

That may seem like a bit of a downer, but really I think it emphasizes that none of us can assume that a good marriage just happens automatically, and neither can any of us assume that a great marriage is out of the realm of possibility. Throughout the book they show how marriage is designed to be, and indeed can be, great. As a marriage newbie, I didn’t read the book to critique it so much as to soak it in and learn from it, so I won’t dissect it point by point here. Instead, I’ll simply recommend it as what seems to me to be an honest, encouraging, well-informed and well-rounded book for all of us, single or married, old or young.

I particularly appreciated Keller’s interview about the book on MSNBC’s Morning Joe in November.

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I love how he re-frames some predictable (and, yes, leading) questions from the panel, refusing to play the culture wars blame game while also challenging the nearly universal assumption that marriage is designed primarily for our own self-fulfillment. As he writes in the book, marriage is “difficult and painful -- yet rewarding and wondrous.”

I'm glad I read the book so early on in marriage, and I plan to return to it again and again.

For more, check out this one-hour conversation with Tim and Kathy, as they discuss the themes of the book and tell stories from their own experience.

[Photo credit: TimothyKeller.com]

2Jan/12Off

My top 11 books from 2011

Last February I shared some thoughts on the merits of reading both widely and wisely, and I shared my own reading goals for the year. Specifically, these:

  • At least one book about/from every continent in the world (plus Central America and the Middle East)
  • At least one book by an adherent of every major world religion
  • At least 25% to be written by dead people
  • At least 40% to be written by women or non-white males.

Well, how closely did I stick to those goals?

  • I had each of the continents (plus Central America and the Middle East) covered
  • Though I read a lot of books written by Christians and a range of non-Christians (including Alice Walker, a Buddhist, and others I presume to be either atheists or agnostics), I don’t think I read anything by Hindu or Muslim authors.
  • 20 written by dead people; only 21%
  • 26 written by women or non-white males; only 27%

So I did better in some areas than in others. I’ll keep the goals more or less the same for 2012. But in the meantime, as is the custom (sort of), here are my picks for the top eleven books I read in 2011. Like last time, these are in no particular order, and include books not necessarily published this year. When applicable, I include a link to what I've already written about it.

Timothy Keller, Generous Justice: How God's Grace Makes Us Just 
A must-read on following Jesus and doing justice. I reviewed this one for PRISM and blogged about it here.

Eugene H. Peterson, The Pastor: A Memoir 
If you are a pastor, know a pastor, or have opinions about pastors, read this. I blogged about it here.

Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird 
It's a classic, and I should have read it a long time ago. I'm guessing you already have.

Michael Casey, Che's Afterlife: The Legacy of an Image 
A fascinating look at how the iconic "Che" image has been reproduced and re-appropriated for countless causes -- and has paradoxically come to represent global capitalism.

Eric Metaxas, Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy 
This biography of the great German theologian who was part of a failed assassination plot against Hitler won all kinds of awards last year. I blogged about this here.

Michael J. Sandel, Justice: What's The Right Thing To Do? 
In this book the Harvard political philosopher put the cookies on a relatively low shelf, helping you and I wrestle through different understandings of justice in the world around us. I blogged about it here.

Gregory Boyle, Tattoos on the Heart: The Power of Boundless Compassion
One of the most inspiring, funny and heart-breaking books I read this year. I blogged about it here.

Michael Gerson and Peter Wehner, City of Man: Religion and Politics in a New Era 
From what I understand, this book never really took off, which is a shame, because it's a wise, nuanced, an intelligent handling of the two topics none of us seem to know how to discuss in polite company. I blogged about this here.

Robert Lupton, Toxic Charity: How Churches and Charities Hurt Those They Help 
An important book on doing no harm when seeking to do good. I blogged about this here and it was also picked up by the Values & Capitalism blog.

Richard Mouw, He Shines In All That's Fair: Culture and Common Grace 
I haven't had a chance to blog about this yet, but I plan to in January. In this slim book, Mouw articulates a wonderful theological and practical vision of common grace.

N.T. Wright, After You Believe: Why Christian Character Matters 
For Christians unsure about what's supposed to happen between being "saved" and dying, this is an important book on ethics and cultivating virtue. I blogged about it here.

How about you? What were your favorite books of 2011? What are your reading goals for 2012?

16Dec/11Off

Repaso: Advent, lost books, screen-printing, journalistic ethics, Bruce Cockburn, LEGOs, theology & culture

1. Advent reflections from Paul Burkhart
Paul Burkhart, a friend of mine in Philadelphia, has a series of thoughtful posts on his blog for Advent. Here’s an excerpt from his most recent one:

In his Advent, Jesus does lots of miracles, but his miracles are particular in nature and function. None of his miracles are weird. You have no lasers coming out of people’s eyes, no shape-shifting, no invisibility, etc. What you have is a God that comes and ushers in the future world to come and brings it into the present. In other words, all of his miracles are restoring things to the way they will be and are intended to be; they are acts of justice. People were not meant to be blind, or die, or go hungry, or be handicapped, or be sick. And so he ushers in this future reality into the present by healing these things. The future world begins with a wedding feast with much wine, and so his messianic mission begins with turning water to wine at a wedding feast.

2. Ariel Dorfman’s lost library
NPR has an interview with novelist and activist Ariel Dorfman, who was forced to flee his home in Chile after the overthrow of President Allende in 1973. Going into exile he lost a lot, but here he reflects on the impact of losing his personal library.

3. Big Planet Apparel on The Lancast
My good friend Chris Newcomer is the guest on the latest episode of The Lancast, a podcast focused on interesting people in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Chris is an entrepreneur and here he talks about how his company, Big Planet Apparel, came to be. You’re not likely to hear more laughter in a 34 minute interview anywhere else, and hopefully you’ll now know where to turn when you need to make t-shirts.

4. Misrepresenting “Africa” and “the poor”
In this TED Talk, reporter and researcher Leslie Dodson urges those who engage in storytelling about the poor (researchers, journalists, NGOs, etc) to do so ethically, not misrepresenting them through simplistic depictions or by robbing them of their dignity in the process (Thanks to Jennifer Rohde Williams for passing this along).

5. Photographs of homelessness around the world
Okay, here’s a chance to think critically about the ethics of photographing the homeless, based on what Leslie Dodson had to say in the video above. In this photo essay, I was struck by the prevailing “namelessness” of the poor. There were a handful of those in the US whose names were given, as well as the name of the recently deceased homeless man (not pictured) whose funeral two unnamed (but pictured) homeless women attended. What do you think of this namelessness in photos of the poor and homeless?

6. “Kicking at the Darkness”
Byron Borger has some brief comments on Kicking at the Darkness: Bruce Cockburn and the Christian Imagination, a new book by Brian J. Walsh that I’m eager to read. Here’s the blurb Byron wrote for the back cover of the book:

I've been listening to Cockburn for three decades and reading Walsh almost that long, and I can hardly imagine surviving these times, let alone believing that joy will find a way, without the artistry and insight of both.  This is an extraordinarily ambitious project, years in the making, and there is profound insight on every page.  Whether you are a seasoned Cockburn fan or not, this is a rewarding, provocative, experiment in criticism.  I recommend it with great enthusiasm and with immense gratitude.

7. The Year in LEGO
A cool collection of LEGO reenactments of key events of the past year, apparently submitted to The Guardian by various Flickr users (HT Chris Blattman and Gideon Strauss).

8. Coming together on theology and culture?
Tim Keller writes that a convergence may be happening within evangelicalism on a “third way” of considering the relationship between Christ and culture, beyond the “Two Kingdoms” and the “Transformationist” views. Here’s a great snippet on an important aspect of this third way:

While the mission of the institutional church is to preach the Word and produce disciples, the church must disciple Christians in such a way that they live justly and integrate their faith with their work. So the church doesn't directly change culture, but it disciples and supports people who do.

Repaso is intended as a thought-provoking compilation of news and commentary from the past week related to the intersections of faith, development, justice and peace. As always, I welcome your thoughts on any of the links and ideas in this roundup!

[Photo credit: Clint McMahon via The Guardian]