The Meaning of Marriage
On October 31, marriage was in the news: Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphreys were getting divorced. It was a sad spectacle, and though celebrity marriages aren’t exactly known for their longevity, at 72 days this one’s brevity got people talking. "I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision,” Kardashian said in a statement. “I had hoped this marriage was forever, but sometimes things don't work out as planned. We remain friends and wish each other the best."
Less than a week later, surrounded by our families and many of our closest friends at a little garden oasis in North Phoenix, Katie and I made audacious promises to each other: “to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.”
Today is day 73, and by God’s grace, we’re just getting started.
In that week between October 31 and November 6, as it happens, Timothy and Kathy Keller published their book The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God (Dutton). My good friend and groomsman Barnabas gave us the book as a gift.
The book is remarkable in all the ways that books on relationships and marriage so often fall flat. Tim and Kathy have no patience for clichés, but instead share their wisdom rooted in three significant things: 37 years of marriage; more than 20 years of ministry in a city (NYC) and a church (Redeemer) largely made up of single people; and last but not least, the Bible’s teachings on the meaning of marriage, and what it has to do with all of us. In the introduction, they write:
It is hard to get a good perspective on marriage. We all see it through the inevitably distorted lenses of our own experience. If you came from an unusually stable home, where your parents had a great marriage, that may have “made it look easy” to you, and so when you get to your own marriage you may be shocked by how much it takes to forge a lasting relationship. On the other hand, if you have experienced a bad marriage of a divorce, either as a child or an adult, your view of marriage may be overly wary and pessimistic. You may be too expectant of relationship problems and, when they appear, be too ready to say, “Yup, here it goes,” and to give up. In other words, any kind of background experience of marriage may make you ill equipped for it yourself.
That may seem like a bit of a downer, but really I think it emphasizes that none of us can assume that a good marriage just happens automatically, and neither can any of us assume that a great marriage is out of the realm of possibility. Throughout the book they show how marriage is designed to be, and indeed can be, great. As a marriage newbie, I didn’t read the book to critique it so much as to soak it in and learn from it, so I won’t dissect it point by point here. Instead, I’ll simply recommend it as what seems to me to be an honest, encouraging, well-informed and well-rounded book for all of us, single or married, old or young.
I particularly appreciated Keller’s interview about the book on MSNBC’s Morning Joe in November.
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I love how he re-frames some predictable (and, yes, leading) questions from the panel, refusing to play the culture wars blame game while also challenging the nearly universal assumption that marriage is designed primarily for our own self-fulfillment. As he writes in the book, marriage is “difficult and painful -- yet rewarding and wondrous.”
I'm glad I read the book so early on in marriage, and I plan to return to it again and again.
For more, check out this one-hour conversation with Tim and Kathy, as they discuss the themes of the book and tell stories from their own experience.
[Photo credit: TimothyKeller.com]
Katie’s top 11 books from 2011
One of the myriad things I love about Katie, my wife of eight weeks, is our shared passion for books. Even better, we read a lot of the same kinds of books. And then we get to talk about them, and often, what ends up on this blog begins as a conversation over dinner or while driving through the Arizona desert. I'm smarter and wiser because I have her around, that's for sure. On Monday I shared my top books from 2011. Here now are Katie's top picks. There's a bit of overlap, as you'll notice, which owes itself just as often to me copying her as to her copying me.
Although I share my husband’s desire to read widely to develop critical and discerning thinking rather than cloning myself to one or two author’s thoughts or perspectives, I have compiled a rather narrow top 11 reads of 2011. It seems somehow wrong to have two of the same authors as well as three books on the topic of justice, but these were the books I was honestly most impacted by this year.
Gregory Boyle, Tattoos on the Heart
An inspiring and informative read about how relationship and empowerment can bring change and self-respect to those who easily believe they are worthless. Boyle is a priest whose impact shows how each of us desire to be invested in, known and loved.
Emmanuel Jal, War Child
An especially timely read in light of South Sudan’s 2011 independence, Emmanuel shares his story of becoming a child soldier. Scarred by hatred, hunger, isolation and violence while just a child, he found his voice through music which he has used to raise awareness, protest and advocate for peace, child protection and human rights.
Richard Foster, Streams of Living Water
Foster’s grace and wisdom approaches six traditions of the faith offering perspective on the strengths and weaknesses of each. Each offer enduring elements that challenge those of us who desire to live faithfully.
Miroslav Volf, Free of Charge
Who among us can say we grasp forgiveness and extending it to others? This book is best summarized by this quote from the introduction: “The true God is a God who cannot stop giving and forgiving, and that our knowledge of Him is utterly bound up with our willingness to receive from the hand of God the liberty to give and forgive.” (Dr. Rowan Williams)
David Powlison, Seeing with New Eyes
I re-read this for a class and am grateful I had the opportunity to do so. A solid collection of articles written for those who desire to help others in the process of becoming more like Christ. He encourages us to place the Redeemer at the center of the picture and find the power to change in turning to Him in all of life.
Eugene Peterson, The Pastor
Absolute soul-medicine. A masterful weaving of the formative moments of Peterson’s development into a true pastor. He redefines what we often view as the essentials of a good pastor and extends to us something richer, steeped in Scripture.
Edith Schaeffer, L’abri
The concepts of L’abri had shaped my views of hospitality and personal vocation long before I read Edith’s description of their story and vision. But this book still brought new shades of light and context to the ideas of facilitating, in relationship, the process of leaning into God and what he has to say about the realities of the world we live in.
Robert Lupton, Compassion, Justice and the Christian Life
Lupton breathes experience, wisdom and genuine love for the poor and marginalized. He navigates the tensions between reaching out with compassion and defending the dignity and humanity of every person.
John Perkins, Let Justice Roll Down
A compelling story of Perkin’s civil rights journey. Although heartbreaking to read about the depths of hate and oppression, it’s inspiring to learn from one who pursued social justice rooted in strong evangelical faith even before it became trendy.
Timothy Keller, King’s Cross
A collection of sermons based on the Gospel of Mark which bring the words of Jesus to life, offering context and references that reveal the message as truly good news.
Timothy Keller, Generous Justice
A treatise of the implications of our faith and belief in Scripture; the Biblical basis for what should drive us to pursue justice. Keller beautifully articulates what many of us know in our hearts and see as we read Scripture, but often struggle to communicate effectively.
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