today i went kayaking on the octorara. this was my first time in a kayak. i had a great time. the weather was a beautiful 80 degrees and on the water, i can’t think of a much better temperature than that. a bald eagle flew from tree to tree over us for a while. we also saw a deer scanter across a riverside meadow. it was a day the great outdoors really lived up to its adjective, and i’m not even an outdoorsy kind of guy.

halfway through the two-mile stretch we were to navigate, all was well. i had stayed afloat and upright, and was beginning to figure out how to turn the vessel where i wanted it to go. things unraveled in a hurry as i approached some rapids, though.

my buddy marlon brando had bottomed out on some rocks at the top of the rapids and was stopped dead in his tracks, despite the fast-moving water all around him. he told me to bump into him, i suppose in hopes of dislodging his ark from its own little mount ararat. i had no choice at this point since i was too close to steer clear of him, so i indeed bumped my kayak into the side of his.

i’m not sure if this accomplished the intended objective for him or not, because immediately upon bumping him, my kayak was swept under a downed tree in the river. i rolled over and slipped out and into the briskly flowing water. next thing i knew i had been swept under the tree as well and was on the other side. the kayak had hit the tree which disturbed millions of moths or termites or something, so i found myself being tossed around in the rapids like a rag doll with a cloud of insects around my head that reminds me of what the plagues of egypt must have been like. the water was only knee-deep or so, but was moving so fast that i couldn’t get on my feet. later, upon dry ground, sax informed me that in those situations you don’t want to try to get your footing, since that is a good way to get your feet caught and your head stuck under water. i appreciated his timely instruction.

fortunately, i was wearing a life jacket so i just gave up fighting the rapids in what i concluded was a losing battle, and opted to float on my chest head-first until the waters calmed down and i could get a hold of myself. i wasn’t sure where the kayak or the paddle were at this point, and quite frankly, i didn’t care. i floated for a couple hundred feet or so, and the multitude of insects was gracious enough to accompany me on my journey. it was quite a ride, as the water carried me faster than i knew water in the octorara could.

after a minute or so i reached the shore and with the help of a buddy we turned the kayak upside down to drain it, as it had basically filled up. only at this point did i realize that my legs had been banging on rocks throughout the whole ordeal and had sustained bruises and swelling. its amazing how you don’t notice those things when you’re in the thick of things. most times i’d notice if my legs were being banged on rocks, because such things tend to be painful, but i didn’t notice this time.

we reached our destination without any further incidents, but the story is just beginning. when i finally got home, about three hours after the spill, my clothes were still wet. i threw them in the drier instead of leaving them lying around all wet. an hour later i opened the drier to pull them out, and as i did so i discovered a dead fish in the drier. it was about two inches long, and i guess it had made its way into one of the pockets on my cargo shorts during my spill. the thought had crossed my mind before i got home that i smelled kind of fishy, but figured it was just the river water on my clothes. i was wrong.

i considered the irony that when i actually go fishing with hook, line and sinker, i generally tend to have wretched luck. my catches are few and far between. but when i fall out of a kayak in rapids i end up with a fish in my pants.